So, I’m in the grocery store the other day, and as I approach the refrigerated section in search of some eggs, out of the corner of my eye I see this bright yellow can, nuzzled up next to some egg product, that looks like a misplaced can of processed aerosol cheese (most commonly known as Kraft’s Easy Cheese, formerly known as Cheez Whiz, which now only is packaged in a jar, just so you know I did some extensive research on this. Because cheese needed the added mystique of some aerosol in addition to being processed. Mmmm chemicals!) It was not, in fact, cheese at all, but boasted its name loud and proud on the front of the can: “BATTER BLASTER!” It turns out it’s an organic pancake/waffle batter that you can conveniently spray onto your grill for a quick and easy no-mess breakfast. If you check out the link you have to watch the video to see just how messy one can be making pancakes. Apparently a lot of heavy sighing is in store for you if you attempt to make these babies from scratch! And what an adventure you could have blasting your food-to-be onto a hot griddle while holding a compressed can close to a heat source! I think she should blast it right into that impatient, scowling little girl’s face!
However, if you can grit your teeth and put up with the god-awful mess making pancakes the old fashioned way, you might do well to purchase this handy egg cracker Joe and I recently came upon in Walgreen’s whilst whiling away some time waiting for a prescription to be filled. Though, personally, I think if you’re palsied enough to crack eggs so poorly, (as seen on their video), you won’t be able to place the egg in the cracking device without spazzing out and dropping it anyway. Just where have I been during the As Seen on TV ads? Oh yeah, reading. Or cracking eggs and making my own mayonnaise from scratch.
After you’ve blasted your way through all those light and fluffy aerosol created pancakes (13 to a can) you might be tempted to jump on the Cookie Diet bandwagon. You heard me, Cookie Diet! We came across this during that same revelatory while-away-time in Walgreen’s, (listening to the same Bread song that’s playing every time we have to go in) and I was stopped in my tracks. I mean, cookie diet? Really?!? This guy should win a Nobel Prize or something. Plus, he’s a doctor – see he has a lab coat, tie and glasses behind that cookie tray! All you have to do is replace two regular meals with a couple cookies (an entire week’s supply for a mere 50 to 60 bucks), drink lots of water, take a vitamin supplement because apparently the cookies don’t have any, and have a whopping 500 calorie dinner, and next thing you know you’ve lost pounds and pounds and have also cured any future cookie hankerings you might have! But make sure you get the chocolate ones, because according to one reviewer the oatmeal raisin ones taste like “card broad.” Ewwww.
If the cookie diet doesn’t work out for you, just swing that fat behind on back to the As Seen on TV aisle ( I just accidentally typed Ass instead of As…) and buy yourself a special little button that will allow you to expand the waistline of your pants without alteration of your clothes or your body! I haven’t had as much drop mouthed incredulous fascination discovering things I don’t really need since the second (and last) time I visited a Walmart and upon entering loudly asked my mom, who has selective hearing, “So, where do they keep the guns?” Being Oak Harbor, and a Walmart, no one even blinked, least of all my mom, who started to helpfully speculate where they would be for me.