Posted by: loripalooza | May 26, 2011

Turning Fifty

A whole slew of friends and I have or will be turning 50 this year.  I think ‘turning’ is the current catch-phrase for becoming a vampire, which isn’t as dissimilar as you might think.  Thanks to SPF 50 sunscreen (hmmm. Is this merely coincidence? 50?)  like a vampire I am whiter than ever, as I drag myself out of bed each morning and make my way to work I feel that heavy ball and chain angst of When Will it Ever End!? which vampires, being immortal, must go through on a daily basis. I’m also finding myself a bit bitey these days.

What is with the grumpy, negative attitude?  I’ve taken pills for that slight attitude adjustment that keeps my tongue in check when I want to yell at my boss, (doctor prescribed) for the last couple of years, yet it seems at some point during every day I realize that I’ve been frowning; like someone snuck up and slapped Mr. Potato Head’s Angry Eyes onto my face.  Perhaps it’s the lack of a decent sleep.  I feel tired all the time. I had a dream the other night that I found a pair of earplugs that blocked out up to 45 decibels (the highest I’ve found only white-out  33). What kind of a dream is that?  The rare time I actually have a surge of energy I mistake it for an anxiety attack: My heart, it’s fluttering! It’s beating too fast!  What’s going on?!  Damn that Baconnaise!  Then again, maybe it’s not being a middle-aged woman head-banging her way into the change of life, but that Eeyore at work who cannot seem to say a positive thing.  Ever.

Because no matter how you look at it,  that’s what we are now – middle-aged.  Turning 50 is smack dab in the middle of the road.  Like the opening to The Pretender’s song:

THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD IS TRYING TO FIND ME
I’M STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF LIFE WITH MY PLANS BEHIND ME

or another person’s interpretation of the lyrics:

THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD IS TRYING TO FIND ME
I’M STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF LIFE WITH MY PAINS BEHIND ME

Get out!  Pains? They’re behind us, like we’re not going to have any in the second half?  Whoever transcribed that can’t be a day over 30.  I had one too many tacos last night and thought I was going to die.  I have to reach down and click the little toe I broke a couple years ago (running from Joe in my slip with champagne giggles after we got home from the company Christmas party) back into place every morning.  The little kid freckles I still have on my face surround the deeply furrowed lips of my grandmother!  Oomba baloomba, talk about pain!

Or, there’s the way I’ve been hearing it and singing it for years:

THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD IS TRYING TO FIND ME
I’M STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF LIFE WITH MY PANTS BEHIND ME.

What can I say?  I like an entertaining visual.

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Responses

  1. You make me laugh every day. I love you so!

    • Is this a love note to yourself? :)

      • That’s weird! Actually, I think Joe must have written that after he read the post? I think I wasn’t logged out of the site or something.

  2. I always thought it was PANTS, too!!


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